Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I have in mind a portrait of the ideal churchgoer: consummate family man, an active participant in the church community, faithful tither, mindful of his faults yet confident, knowledgeable of scripture but certainly not to the degree of, say, a scholar. Let me be clear! I am not this person. Instead, my Sunday attendance has achieved a notable frequency this year, and although I’m still no closer to communing with internationals and white folks alike, I’ve considered making an effort to integrate better.

“Consider” is the keyword here, because the need to bolt often seizes me, pressing me to leave well before the prescribed ending of a given service, and disappearing just doesn’t do much for integration, you know? That said, I’ve made a concerted push to plant my ass on the pew until the benediction, so the stage is set. I’m approaching the integration itself through my favorite framework: skill acquisition.

I have a few skills in mind. Which I’d like to acquire, you see. First, there’s the ability to locate books in the Bible quickly. Nothing blows your cover like aimlessly flipping through superthin pages seemingly designed to crinkle as loudly as possible, with the singular goal of finding one of those two-page jobbies in the latter half of the Old Testament. And since we’re on the subject, this skill would cover both testaments, from the books with modern names (Matthew, John) to books (Nahum, Zechariah) named after dudes who sound like they really rocked ancient-style sandals. The corollary skill, one which I don’t plan on acquiring anytime soon, is to be able to summarize each book without having read them. So it’d be, like, this one’s got the Sermon on the Mount, or this one’s about people wandering the desert, or this one’s about the apocalypse oh shiiiiit.

The last skill I chose is the ability to speak extemporaneously–off the cuff, if syllabic economy is your thing–in the context of public prayer. Imagine a church dinner, for instance. Could I say grace competently, knock out something both meaningful and brief? I’m not sure. I’m also unsure of the deeper issue that sits at the heart of all this–whether church life can be founded on deception. I suppose I would actually be able to do these things, and there’s honesty in that, but bottom line is I’d be constructing a facsimile of a churchgoer. An illusion. Lies, basically. That would be strike one. I also don’t know why I’d even pursue all this. Gluttony for punishment, perhaps? That would be strike two.