Tuesday, February 18, 2003

During an important staff meeting at Secondhand Rants, one that you unfortunately weren’t invited to, we made two very important decisions. I suppose you want to know about these decisions, gentle reader, lest you go into HAIRY CONNIPTIONS. Even if you don’t want to know, I’ll tell you anyway, so prepare yourself for epiphany after epiphany.

First, you are officially a trustee of Secondhand Rants. Together with your fellow e-stalkers, you will make up the Board of Trustees.

“Wait!” you shout, rudely interrupting me. “How can we decide where the cashola goes if there is no cashola?”

This is when I give you a sly CFO grin and let you in on a secret.

“You see, dear reader,” I patiently explain to you, “you will have the privilege of sending me money.”

“Oh,” you say with a slow nod. “Whom do I make the checks out to?”

“Secondhand Rants,” I tell you. “Make sure to capitalize the ‘S’ and the ‘R.’”

“But before you do that,” I quickly add, “you can save yourself the trouble with amount and the like and simply sign the checks. Thanks!”

The second important decision involves outsourcing some of our Rants.

“Who are you, you upstart ragamuffin, to outsource our Rants?” some board member will angrily ask.

This is when I wail—I mean “bop”—said board member with the Cane of Good Behavior.

“How are we going to outsource?” asks the board member meekly.

I slowly mouth the word “magic,” making sure to emphasize each syllable with a wave of the good Cane.

We’ll do this in secrecy, you see. Other webmasters and webmistresses won’t even know they’re working for Secondhand Rants! Case in point: I urge you to peruse Wailin’s latest entry for an excellent Rant. And for general merriment, make sure to browse Onasteek Online.

That’s enough business for now, patient and goodly reader. In the coming days, we will explore how to properly care for Mother Nature’s candy and also how to enjoy great metaphysical moments by the Lakefill.

And maybe, just maybe Secondhand Rants will receive a visit from the mysterious Artiste A.

Interested? You bet you are!