Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I decided to call myself CEO of Secondhand Rants today, and this decision came not a moment too soon. You see, eager reader, important Blognalists the world over congregated in Geneva this morning for the twice-yearly Blogger’s Convention. And no, you weren’t invited to this one either.

During a roundtable discussion, I tried to look busy by shuffling the few papers, brochures, and candy wrappers I had handy, but this clearly wasn’t enough to keep my nosy neighbor from suddenly engaging me about—oh, JINKIES—elves. I thought I left this issue far behind me, but Mme. Ahoyhoyhoy clearly hates me.

With one hand grasping a cup of Genevan coffee and the other hand holding a piece of goodness knows what, she started waxing philosophical about why elves are desirable.

“Why, HELLO there!” she whispered, clearly wired on coffee.

“Save me!” I thought. “Err, do I know you? And what’s that you’re eating?”

“Elvish bread,” she said matter-of-factly. “Would you like some?”

“Uh, I try to stick to foods made by Nabisco,” I told her disdainfully.

Unfazed, she continued to down her “food.” “I read your theory about elves,” she said between methodical nibbles, “and I don’t really agree with it. I have a problem with elves, but I’m in love with my problem.”

“Good Lord, woman! What’s wrong with you?”

“No, I’m serious. I think he must be coming over regularly and stealing from my wallet and leaving little ATM slips everywhere!” she said breathlessly. “I’m tempted to leave cookies for him. Or elf biscuits.”

“Hmmm,” I replied with furrowed brow, “let me repeat my little thesis: I HATE ELVES.”

“You should favor the beautiful ones, you know.”

By this time, I had already hopped on a plane—the Swiss are always on time, bless their hearts—to America.

Gentle reader, if your thoughts on elves resemble anything printed above, I urge you to add some RAT POISON to the lembas bread and some RAID to the milk that you leave out for Legolas. That’s right, Legolas—who’s yo father-figure now?