Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Fret not, gentle reader, over the unpleasant surprises of April Fools’ Day. As the CEO of Secondhand Rants, I believe the practice of pulling pranks is absurd and inefficient. Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing friends and family lose their dignity in the name of some largely un-commercialized holiday. In the spirit of nonviolence and community-building, then, I shall introduce you to some of my patented remedies.

So clothed in righteous indignation and moral unflappability, I implore you to make a beeline for one of our points of distribution–pay special attention to your local sports and hardware stores–and make a worthy purchase from our “Humor Dispelling” product line. This is the day, dear reader, when the trusty Cane of Good Behavior, the elegant Wand of No-Pain, and the previously unreleased Bludgeon of Giggles make a grand return.

How do these wonders work? Allow me to demonstrate.

Your loved one carries out some finely-wrought prank.

“April Fools’!” s/he says delightedly.

*THOK* in the cranial area.

Bring your loved ones back to the fold, gentle reader, bring them back to the fold.