Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Death and taxes are the only two certainties of life, says the tired old maxim, but what about finals week? It’s an inevitability I simultaneously recall with horror and twisted longing. I know there are more than a few readers laboring in the Ivory Tower who, especially around this time of year, would place academics somewhere very close to getting hit by a train or, worse, incontinence.

I don’t remember my last final. It was most likely a research paper, and I probably biked to class with minutes to spare, pedaling as quickly as my legs and bleary eyes permitted. Even though the specifics elude me, I do remember some recurring themes of my finals weeks. By no means am I offering these in any prescriptive capacity. I just want to share today.

Hit B5 for Nutrition

One of the downsides of waking up at 1:30 AM is most eateries, despite demand for early morning food, stubbornly close three or four hours too early. You should have a fridge or a stock of non-perishables, assuming you’re well prepared, which arguably isn’t the case if you’re rolling out of bed at midnight.

Don’t worry, though. You’re fine as long as you have a stack of quarters. You know the vending machine right around the corner, the one you never even bothered to acknowledge until now? That’s your salvation right there, your menu and your waiter, your food and your drink, your bill and your tip.

You could get a three-course meal for a song, or you could a la carte it and only get the Fritos. They say your IQ drops a point for every hour of exhaustion, so try to avoid doing stupid things like mixing Chuckles with milk.

The Nap Trap

Tell me if this internal dialogue sounds familiar.

—————–

“Well, I’ve done a solid hour of work. I’m already on page two!”

“Great, you deserve a medal.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, a real gold medal. And a nap. You want one of those, don’t you?”

“Of course I do! Now that you mention it, I’d be more productive AFTER the nap.”

“Exactly. You’d finish your paper in, like, half an hour.”

“No, 15 minutes! I’m going to set my alarm clock for 90 minutes. A full sleep cycle, you know. Learned that in Health 101.”

“How very fascinating. Now shut up and go to bed.”

—————–

“Ohhhhh, what time is it?” you wonder as soon as your alarm rings.

“Does it matter? How about you sleep until, say, 45 minutes before class starts?”

“But–“

“You need the rest. Besides, you’ll finish your paper in five minutes. Tops.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

*THUNK* *SNNNRRRK*

Get the Hell Away from AOL IM

The yellow running man is hands down the Siren of our times. Does the following Away Message really mean what it says?

OMFG I’M GOING TO FAIL MY FINAL. HELP! DON’T BUG ME, LOLOLOL.

This is actually a cry for help, an invitation for the other 589 people on your Buddy List to message you with condolences. Click on the goddamn “X,” click it!

Take this as you will. Good luck, gentle reader, and study the everloving shit outta those notes.