Wednesday, December 8, 2004

We usually flit from topic to topic, gentle reader, like a bipolar–make that tripolar–chameleon soldered to a hummingbird, and that’s going to change tonight. I’m positive we’ll return to our barbaric ways tomorrow, this is a guarantee, so let’s try to take advantage of thematic consistency for a single evening.

Yesterday’s discussion settled on our fondest college memories, and today’s conversation will deal with a terrible byproduct of education: nightmarish flashbacks. I’d call these dreams, as they tend to occur when you’re sleeping, except doing so would discount the moments when you’re awake and agitated by imaginary due dates.

There’s the main symptom, in case you were wondering. An unsettling feeling wraps around you, urgently advising you that your 15-page paper never materialized, even though class started five minutes ago. This affects people young and old, elementary and post-collegiate, and my own dream involves a German class I perennially miss.

Knowing you, you’re probably sitting in my office with hat in hand, hoping beyond reason for some kind of poultice to ease your troubled mind. Well, too bad! You’d better look elsewhere. I would like to tell you, however, about a theory I concocted as a child about dreams.

It seems to me you can exert some control over your dreams, almost like Tivoing your brain, by thinking briefly about a topic of your choice. Do you remember the last horror movie you saw? Ironically enough, you may have replayed certain gory scenes over and over again in your mind’s eye, yet you had a peaceful night’s sleep anyway. Try musing about a scene quickly, instantly, and stop. I’m talking about a millisecond’s worth of thought, no more than a blip in your unconsciousness, followed by normal brain activity.

I’ve obviously never tested this theory by, you know, shoving a pipette up its premise or anything. Hey, here’s an idea! You could be a guinea pig. You may suffer from debilitating side effects, them’s the costs of science, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.