Tuesday, December 14, 2004

We met a colorful cast of characters yesterday, but I neglected to tell you something. There is a third breed of computer user, a genus lost in the ample recesses of rumor and speculation. People claim they’ve seen one of them, one of the computeratti, and they will maintain these delusions even when drunk. These people are liars, plain and simple.

The truth, dear reader, is that nobody has ever met one of the Nameless and, Ave Maria, may it remain that way. Look hard enough and you will certainly see remnants of a transcended race: a cartoon penguin here, reverent scribblings about a Linus Torvalds there, a bong tucked under a pile of network cards. These are the Linux geeks, and theirs is a story that could only end in a smoldering hulk of a building drenched in poisoned fruit punch.

I’ve never understood the impassioned hatred people have for Starbucks, Microsoft, and Taco Bell. I keep my computer happy, sometimes by feeding it Chalupas, and it returns the favor by seldom complaining. Then again, perhaps I’m too dumb to appreciate the charm of having authentic natives collect my coffee beans with their toes, but there’s something to be said about the freemarket dollar, right?

Wrong, apparently. For Linux aficionados, the facsimile closest to Bill Gates would, in two words or fewer, be Satan. My theory? One day, their collective consciousness will devise an open source alternative to spoken conversation, powered by nothing more than the peppermint dreams and darkest nightmares of boys and girls everywhere.

iTune, We All Tune

Don’t even try to verify my theory.

[Delighted Chuckling of a Boy]

We can’t believe this works! Soon, nay, verily we will sweep over the world and bring enlightenment unto Those Who Do Not Know.

[Scornful Reprimanding of a Boy]

Sweep? Surely you jest. Sweeping is for the ignorant masses. It’s not robust. Three days from now, we will have engineered the perfect alternative. Sweep. The nerve! Allow me to laugh patronizingly in your face. LoL, little man, LoL.

[Ominous Warning of a Girl]

Stop being mean! We must stay united. Dissension is what Bill Yug-Shuggoth would want. Think penguins, quickly now!

[Excited Cheering of a Boy]

Anybody hungry? We just released a beta version of Freeza, the open source alternative to pizza. It’s time we all stuck our hands in the cheese, everybody. That’s right, touch the Freepperoni, touch it! Let the Freemato sauce run like wild horses between your fingers.

[Coy Tittering of a Girl]

You’re iconoclastic. That’s soooo hot.

[Embarrassed Grinning of a Boy]

We know.

Cha0s

What if, and I’m simply postulating here, what if everyone wound up in the same room? Would they listen to each other, edify one another with heartfelt understanding? I’m guessing it’d be similar to an orgy, albeit a dry, static-free orgy. With sharp objects.

Jack: Um, honey? Are we still in Circuit City? I think I should’ve gone with the corded optical rat.

Jill: MOUSE, Jack, it’s an optical mouse! Did we really pay $5500.17 for a computer?

Jack: After careful consideration of the receipt, YES. And can we stop shouting at each other?

i8thermalpaste: zOMG, did u buy a computer from circuit shitty? i could’ve built one for, like, $20.00, complete with RAID 1.

Jack: RAID? That’s what you use to kill those optical roaches, right? I read about it in a magazine. On computers.

i8thermalpaste: wtf, look at these n00bs, dood.

Jill: Where did all your vowels go?

AMD_Fr33k: lay off my buddy, you dumb soccerbitch. lol, look at that pos you bought.

i8thermalpaste: ya, my water-cooled brick box would kick its ass any day.

Jack: Brick? Wow, that’s original. Maybe you should make your next computer out of porridge.

i8thermalpaste: THAT’S IT! UR GOING TO DIE DIE DIE!

Stern Admonishing of a Girl: My fellow users, why do you fight so viciously? Lay down your disagreements and prepare yourselves, for we have come to usher a new age of learning.

Jack: Oh, my head. What was that sound? Did you hear it, dear? I think I inhaled too much RAID.

Jill: No, I heard it too.

AMD_Fr33k: whoa, check out the linux freaks.

Dire Cautioning of a Girl: Beware, everyone! The Tainted Followers of Bill Yug-Shuggoth are nigh! Brace ourselves, everybody.

Jack: So can anyone tell me if Windows XP is compatible with my wireless cats?

Anguished Screaming of a Boy: OMHOSG! Curse you doubly, Yug-Shuggoth. You know not what you damn.

i8thermalpaste: omhosg? wtf does that mean?

Pedantic Replying of a Girl: Our Most Heavenly Open Source Gaia, of course. Is that an anti-static wristband you’re wearing? I could make you one out of the broken dreams and resilient hopes of 20-year-olds. And some hemp.

i8thermalpaste: get the fuck away from my wristband!

tHiNkDiFfErEnT: Hey, did anyone see the new Apple Store down the street? We should totally go.

Epilogged Out

So many people who want to help you, so little time and patience. Choose wisely.