Tuesday, June 28, 2005

You’re speaking with a man who committed the cardinal error of falling asleep immediately after dinner, dear reader, and boy do I feel awesome. It was disorienting, those first five minutes of regained consciousness, but I haven’t been this awake at 9:44 PM in months.

What would be more exciting for you, launching an ad campaign with lukewarm results or killing a humongous fly? You chose correctly. I looked up from my screen this afternoon and, in the continuing tradition of attracting insects to my skull, saw a portly shitsucker headed straight for me. The nerve! I’ve never heard so loud a bug. This was sufficient cause for me to roll up some scrap paper to demonstrate the niceties of high impact advertising.

I missed more then a dozen times, dispensing justice to innocents such as the filing cabinets, the LaserJet 1000, and the router. It was shameful–someone had a good laugh when I swatted my window blinds–and I’m convinced I dishonored my ancestors. I had a great-grandfather who could execute flies with a pair of chopsticks, usually only one chopstick. If you believe that, well, I’d like to sell you a rather large rickshaw made of soy sauce packets and fortune cookie fortunes.

But real fortune smiled in a violent second, an eminently gratifying thok, when I caught the fly in one smooth backhand. Talk about job satisfaction. Got him from below, I did, which means it’s time to update the ol’ resume.