Thursday, October 6, 2005

Stress level => 0

You wake up…

A. On the wrong side of bed.
B. In a dumpster for the second day in a row.
C. Under your bed.
D. Next to a hideous goblin.
E. Clutching the arm of the hooker you partially hid in your trunk.

You chose C. Stress level => 1

Darkness, a world inverted and a morning not at all promising. Sunlight pierces your peripheral vision, framing a very real sense of claustrophobia. Your alarm clock suddenly rings, so you…

A. Promptly begin salivating.
B. Reach for a pillow that’s actually where it’s supposed to be.
C. Emerge from under the bed and turn off your clock in one swift motion.
D. Sigh.
E. Bang your head so hard, your clock falls off the ledge, thereby silencing it.

You chose D and E. Stress level => 5

“Shit. Monday,” you mutter, rubbing your forehead painfully.

You stumble into the bathroom and…

A. Promptly begin salivating.
B. Mistake the Lysol for shampoo.
C. Can’t be bothered with raising the toilet seat, let alone the cover.
D. Conserve water by not showering.
E. Have a flashback filmed at 60 fps to heighten tension.

You chose A. Stress level => 5

The social construct of “showering,” flimsy as it has always been, crumbles beneath the voracious might of your hunger. You compromise by splashing some water on your face and flossing your favorite teeth. Now it’s time for breakfast. Monday is…

A. Just like Friday, only not.
B. Pop Tart day.
C. The day you pay homage to the Burger King.
D. Who also lives in the White Castle.
E. When you have that biz dev meeting earlier in the morning.

You chose B and E. Stress level => 15

You can already picture it in your mind.

“Strike three, buddy. Congratulations, this is the first day of the rest of your unemployed life,” your boss will say in front of everybody else.

Out the door you dash in a frenzied rush to prove him wrong, wallet and keys in one hand, Pop Tart in the other. You run straight into your neighbor, who for some reason is watering your lawn in his Panama Jacks and obnoxious hat. The Pop Tart lands frosting-first onto the grass.

“Look who’s late again!” he declares in that loud, chummy voice. “Hey, did you catch the game last night? Great time to be a Sox fan, eh?”

You look him in the eye and…

A. Run straight back to your house.
B. Invest five minutes in mindnumbing conversation.
C. Give the hooker in your trunk a new trunkmate.
D. Pretend you’re deaf and maybe a little blind.
E. Ignore him.

You chose E. Stress level => 20

“I used to love wrestling,” you reply, “until I found out it was all fake.”

You make it to your car. Safety. It’s time to go. You turn your key. But the car doesn’t start. The battery died.

Stress level => 50