Monday, April 17, 2006

One thing a strict quarterly church attendance discourages, other than a meteoric increase in brownie points, is disappearing halfway through the service. Ironically enough, there’s a compulsion to pay rapt attention to the program because the event itself is made rare, and exploring your REM cycle well after the congregation amens is not a viable calling any longer.

The ideal time to vanish, I used to think, was during pre-offering prayer, which is usually situated right before the midpoint. It may just be me, but there’s this feeling of commitment when the plate is passed. Once the sermon begins, leaving at any time other than the end of the message would insult the reverend, obviously, and at that point you may as well stay for the rest. Pro-tip: sit at the end of pews for easy exit. Don’t be surrounded. Remember, where two or three are gathered, there you aren’t.

This Sunday, though, I stayed, stayed through the entire thing, even when they began using trust falls to illustrate faith. Yes, trust falls, SynerJesus Almighty, and still I stayed unto the benediction. What about this coming weekend? My Q1 churchgoings may increase by 200%. Don’t worry, though, you won’t see an inspirational post in these parts for a good long while. That shit just isn’t canon yet.