Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Panhandlers in Wilmette only accept cash and possibly Mastercard, I recently discovered, and heaven help you if you stray from this trodden path. Theirs is a plight for which my conscience stirs–stirs with heartache, sir–even though I care little for Streetwise, that sensationalist rag they’re always trying to pawn for my hard-earned money. I bought a copy once, only to read the most boring articles with headlines that simply weren’t compelling, you know? All I want is something slightly riveting, such as

BAG OF DIMES MISTAKEN FOR DIME BAG, SMOKED ANYWAY

But that would be demanding far too much. Anyway, the local hotzone is right outside the grocery store, so my standard procedure is to give a food item, usually some kind of fruit. This has gone well enough in the past, and I remember one guy was torn about taking a few apples because his teeth, he told me, weren’t up to snuff. After a few moments, it was decided the fruit could be traded for a cigarette or something.

That was then. Recently I tried the same offer on a new guy, a younger, brasher version of the Streetwise vendor of yore. The fruit: a red delicious. The reply:

“An apple?” he scoffed. “I don’t want no apple.”

Ho ho! Believe what you will, but I actually prepped for this particular scenario, so a shocked, insulted look was instantly deployed.

“Uh, but thanks anyway…” came the concession.

There’s that one lesson about beggars, which I’m sure you know, and I have a feeling this dude got so far as “beggars can’t be–” and promptly stopped. I had purchased indignation and exemption from future donations, USD or produce, for about $0.13. A damn shame for him, too, because it was a pretty good apple.