Thursday, April 3, 2003

What’s that, gentle reader? You say you want to sit down tonight and converse about politics, art, music, the stars, love? You say you want to wrestle with the philosophic greats of yore and wax metaphysical about epistemology? You say you want to swap recipes for savory meatloaf and exquisite lo-cal trout?

“Gee golly gee,” I nod amicably, “that does sound good.”

Perhaps, at least for a night, we should perish all talk about blunt weapons, woodland beings, and corporate affairs. Sure, help yourself to those refreshments.

You like? Oh, you’re too generous. No need to share. You can have all of that, you know. I just attended a charming function benefiting The Center for Rehabilitating Tots Who Set Their Kittens on Fire, TCfRTWSTKoF for short. I’m positively stuffed.

What would you like to talk about? Yes, I know something or another’s going on overseas. Yes, yes, that Philip Glass? I agree–a total hack. Indeed, oregano doesn’t really mesh with jerk seasoning, does it?

What’s that, gentle reader? Why are you turning green? Heavens above! Let me see that tray you’re eating from. What the holy heck is that? No, that wasn’t parfait, you twit. I was wondering where that week-old milk went. Crackers? That was bread, I’m afraid. Cheese? That’s not cheese. I assure you that the Oompah-Loompah who made that mess will receive a FIRM talking to.

Aw, don’t leave so soon, dear reader! Our conversation neared sparkling threshold just a few moments ago. Actually, April Fools’! We recently purchased the rights to April Fools’ Day, however repulsive a holiday it is, so I can prank you to my heart’s content.